Letting Go

It’s said that life is a balance between holding on and letting go, so why is it that I tend to hold on too long and too tightly? I’ve been a seeker of balance all my life, working to find moderation in all things, yet as I reflect on my struggles, the common theme is an inability to let go when something, some place or someone is no longer serving my highest good. I’ve kept clothes in my closet that haven’t been worn in years, I’ve remained in jobs that were no longer fulfilling to the point of burnout, exhaustion, and illness, and I’ve stayed in relationships that I knew were over before they officially ended.

I’ve learned a lot about trauma through various trauma-informed trainings and my work as a yoga therapist. I’ve done enough self-study and reflection to know that the way we move through life is deeply influenced by our childhood and societal conditioning. And I’ve come to realize through personal experience that often what we’re so desperately seeking or clinging to is a result of our younger unmet needs.

My parents split up when I was 3 years old, and my dad’s visits were sporadic when I was young. He wasn’t always reliable, wouldn’t show up when he said he would, and was emotionally unavailable. I know he was doing the best he could at the time given his own upbringing and conditioning, but our relationship (or lack thereof) left me feeling abandoned. I craved his attention and approval (as well as that of my mom, who worked full time while raising 2 kids), but it was hard to come by and we always struggled to really know each other.

 My mom remarried when I was 5. Stepfather number 1 was nice enough, but I always had the feeling that he didn’t really care if I was around or not, and so I longed even more for male attention. They split up when I was 9. He was just gone one day without a goodbye and even though we weren’t exactly close, he was another dominant male figure who seemed to disappear from my life so easily.

Stepfather number 2 entered the picture soon after. I wasn’t too sure what I thought of him at first and was hesitant to open up, but he quickly won me over with his charm and interest in my life. We became close, and as a teenager I often wondered who would walk me down the aisle when I got married, my stepdad or my real dad. But that wasn’t a decision I’d ever have to make, since he, too, left a note one day soon after I graduated high school saying that he wasn’t happy and was leaving. By the time I was 18, I’d been abandoned 3 times by important men in my life, 2 of whom left without even saying goodbye and who I would never see again.

 While the young version of me had no real understanding of how deep the abandonment wound was, it led me to a strong need for male attention. I dated guys I didn’t even like that much and made some poor and dangerous choices as a young adult who was starved for validation and desperately trying to earn her worth from men. I thought I’d healed all those wounds over the years through therapy and deep self-reflection and growth, and it wasn’t until my 20-year marriage fell apart earlier this year that my abandoned inner child resurfaced, demanding to be seen and heard.

 I had become more secure in myself over the course of my marriage, as I felt I’d finally received the validation that I was indeed worthy of love and commitment. I felt totally safe and secure, but when the ground crumbled beneath my feet all those deep self-worth and abandonment wounds came back strong, this time to be fully acknowledged and healed.

 It’s been a tough year, but also one of incredible growth and awareness. I’ve learned what it means to truly sit with suffering, without shoving it away or numbing it out. I’ve learned what it really means to surrender and trust my path, even when it winds around a treacherous cliff with no guardrail, and I’m terrified of plummeting down into even deeper pain. I’ve learned to stare down my fear and listen to what it has to teach me about myself and my shadows. I’ve learned to trust my intuition, tune into the messages my feelings are working to reveal, and connect to the guidance of my Higher Self. I’ve done a lot of intense healing work, moving through grief in all its phases with the support of some amazing healers and friends, and I’ve experienced the true power of clarity and manifestation when we step into our authenticity and wholeness. I’ve learned that endings serve as awakenings, and fully understand that any wounds or emotional injuries from the past will continue to be reactivated until we have the awareness, capacity & tools to heal.

 I often questioned, “why now??” Having turned 50 this year, I wondered why it took so long to get to this point. Why did I hold on for so long when deep down I knew that the relationship was no longer serving either of us? My deep dive into healing has shown me that I wasn’t ready for the marriage to end sooner because I didn’t have the tools or awareness to heal. I was asleep, numbing out, ignoring my intuition, and abandoning myself. Yoga gave me more self-awareness. Yoga therapy gave me immense trauma-informed knowledge and the tools to regulate my nervous system. The Universe brought people into my life that were there to lift me up and support me in countless ways. It was only when I had learned enough and was strong enough and was fully prepared to deal with the ground-shaking shift that the rug was pulled out from under me. Everything happens in Divine timing.

As I’ve loosened my grip on the life that was and the future I thought would be, I’ve become more comfortable with uncertainty while working to stay present with what is. I’m more aware of how my past led me to recreate life circumstances so that I could do things differently, and I think I’ve finally learned the lesson this time around. Nothing or no one outside of me determines my value, how others treat me is about them, not me, and the only one who will never abandon me is me. And I’m fully committed to never abandoning myself again.

Healing isn’t linear, it’s more of a spiral where we continue to be triggered by the same old wounds to make sure we’ve done the work, and hopefully we’re able to observe and react with more awareness each time. The Universe continues to challenge me in the exact ways that I need in order to expand and evolve, and I’m continually faced with the reminder to loosen my grip and let go, not only in my relationships but also in my work.

I’ve had the privilege of owning my own business and doing work that I love for the past 10 years. It has indeed been a privilege, as it’s not a path I could’ve traveled on my own and supported myself financially (and I’m grateful to my ex for supporting me in that dream). I think I was a bit ahead of the curve in opening a health food store in a tourist destination that was more interested in indulging in unhealthy food and drinks, but my vision was strong, and I was determined to stay the course. I persevered through intense challenges, including taking on the role of caregiver and my own health suffering once again from burnout, a major hurricane that was financially devastating, and the COVID pandemic, from which my business has never recovered and only resulted in more debt. My grip has been so tight on how I wanted things to be that I’ve failed to see or accept the reality that my business was not sustainable. It’s only now that I’ve been forced to consider how to become financially secure on my own that I’ve realized I’ve been holding on too long and too tightly to something that was no longer serving me or my community. Once again, by forces greater than me, I’m being asked to loosen my grip and let go, to soften and make space for the greater possibilities for my life, to embrace uncertainty and trust that there is something more fulfilling for me on the other side.

I’m not sure where my path is leading, but I know it’s time for the retail side of Island Wellness to fade away, and my intention is to let it go along with everything else being released this year. I’ll continue to reduce inventory and hours so that I can dedicate more time to private clients and open more space for the unknown opportunities flowing my way. I’m working to stay present with each moment and finding gratitude daily, even if it’s just for the healing power of my breath. I’m trusting that if I loosen my grip and allow things to flow, all will unfold in perfect time. I’m embracing uncertainty and trusting my intuition, which is speaking louder every day. May my mantra for this year bring the same peace and clarity to you that it has brought me: I am Present. I am Patient. I Trust in Diving Timing. All is coming, and I know I am worthy of all that my soul desires.